loves and misses

The people whom ive grown to love. without them i wouldve never grown at all cause they taught me how to love<3

.....[if that makes sense] :x

graduated

honestly im not ready to leave james logan. everything was much simpler when we were underclassmen. haha one speech got my eyes all watery. sometimes do you ever think that your emotions affect the weather? well graduation day was kinda sprinkling as if it were tears cause we're gonna part off in about 2 months. 2 short months to do everything, create memories that last a life time cause thats the magnet that pulls us together. memories and love for eachother. anywas back to the weather... wth im talking about the weather -.- er uhmm yeah as the day went on it became sunnier cause i know somewhere we'll find eacother again. maybe im too optimistic. iono why i typed that whole paragraph when i coulda said "ima miss everyone "

waiting... is pretty much what ima be doin in college -->
just get back up when love knocks you down... -->

memories that wont die...

why is it that the bad memories stay in play longer than the good ones? lies, pain, loss, etc. over something like our first hug, kiss, month. everytime i try to get back up it knocks me down...heh. is that why that song is addicting to me recently? maybe iono tryin to get back up and work for your love. but everytime i get knocked down by something small, something that shouldnt even be worried about. every small thing i used to do for her i do for you now. i dont give her the same things i give you. maybe you dont notice but youre the one i stress over not her cause im always careful of what yorue feeling. but in the end i somehow fuck up. never knew i would end up being this kind of person. i want to see you, not her. honesty is key right? so how come when i tell you things i still end up being bitten in the butt? iono college is such an ass. well i guess im being the punching bag. hrmm... i should keep my daily quota if i want to finish on time for your 8 months x.x i miss you iono if youre in the mood to actually care. :/ this is just another down. past few days graduating meant leaving you for college. and yeah we'll be a bridge away but i still wanna see you every weekend and make our time together last. its weird how it was just one mistake can ruin a day or two now but later along the road itll keep coming up and coming up. as if i were blackmailed... sure shes gonna be there but like really? i want to avoid her. iono if you'll believe me but i hope that you will cause yeah... ive lied before but that was to protect you from the pain...but yeah like ive said before even telling you the truth hurts... so when these lies or "truths" die down and buried in a box, it somehow ends up in your lap waiting for the perfect time to be used. how do i turn a pessimistic person into an optimistic person who can carry on your everday life without me having to worry. cause i believe you are a strong and capable person. of couse ill think about you but i dont want to constantly worry about you like 25/8.
i love how i only blog about the bad memoires....im not helping myself...

under the bridge...

trust :/ once its broken it takes alot of work to build it up [no duh]. feels like the bridge has crumbled and im desprately trying to rebuild it. it feels as if i cant be myself everything is being dragged down, cant even joke when its being taken seriously. how can i rebuild that bridge. idk how ima do it but i gotta do it soon. 3 months is a short amount of time. how come all the "i love you"'s sound empty even tho i put all of my emotion into each one. cant cross the river by myself, the water is moving too fast. water full of lies, disappointment, inconsiderate-ness. is the river that wide that i cant build a bridge? hrmm, come to think of it next year is gonna be a bummer...literally a bridge between us T.T anyways...the last night of grad night is gonna be all bad... its going to be our 7 months :/ on the last night and the day that we do come back its too late. gah back to our current situation...im being dragged down by your actions, words. ever since the truth has come out, it feels as if my words a hollow and im just sending you boats across the river, only to see them capsize and have their meaning wash away and only you getting the empty boat. i really need that bridge get the things back to the way we were and hopefully one day this will all be "under the bridge..."

stormy weather

i feel competely helpless as jessica falls deeper and deeper into depression...because of me. going off to college and not being able to see her as much. dont know what to say besides im going to be there for you, try to see you everday. each day at school feels semi-normal where we can laugh, but when we get home it feels entirely different. trying to break through you some how cause i just want you. iono its hard sometimes when youre the one not able to pick out the main points in a conversation. it would help so much if she could be blunt and tell me straight out or if i were better at finding the right points instead of pulling the unimportant ones out. silence is a killer. makes you wonder whats going on in the other person's head. and feels as if every second that passes by is time wasted when we could be talking and laughing. lifes not like that...eh maybe its one of those times where its one of those bad times in a relationship... never know. still cant do or say anything. why is school ending so soon, why does it feel as if im drifting away, when im trying to pull the floating ice together. no matter what i do, i end up freezing not knowing what to say. my words feel used and everytime i repeat them it feels less significant each time i use them. iono im probably just typing in circles. being yelled at by her friend who lives a couple hundered miles away doesnt help much either. where are my powers to stop time when i need them.. :/ . i love you and i never wanna lose you. maybe the power to understand the main points would save me more at a time like this. gahh sound kinda emo dont know why.
kinda feel like crying...eh its not like ive done it before. wow terry...that didnt help at all -.- anyways... next year...it has its pros and cons thought i was ready for it. then something like this hits me and it makes me want to become a freshman all over again. communication is the key..so how come its taking me so frickin long for me to talk to my own girlfriend. gahh something in my mind keeps telling me that she needs some coold down time, yet at the same time i should be talking to her trying to flush out the doubts and bitterness. but everytime i try, i get pushed away. im not making any sense right now so if youre reading this im sorry. today i guess it was another mistake, i shoulda went to get my tux tomorrow, but instead i went with ghemie today. came home and got my ass yelled off by someone whom ive nver met with face to face. eh ill put learning uke off until another day, on the other hand its one day lost. anyways, i could never really tell her face to face or explain this to her without sounding like an idiot but eh trying. theres less than 3 weeks of school. i dont know where to start, friends and girlfriend is definitely a hard decision which i dont want to make. is it true that if you dont pick your girlfriend over your friend that youre not ready to settle? is it true that you have to leave them behind? truth is i cant really leave anyone behind. does this mean im not ready to have a signifiacant other? am i misinterpreting this in the wrong way? omg stupid milly... why am i thinking about this. anyways back to the main point. she needs her needs, i cant always have what i want. i gotta organize myself more. gahh just a jumbled up mess.