stormy weather

i feel competely helpless as jessica falls deeper and deeper into depression...because of me. going off to college and not being able to see her as much. dont know what to say besides im going to be there for you, try to see you everday. each day at school feels semi-normal where we can laugh, but when we get home it feels entirely different. trying to break through you some how cause i just want you. iono its hard sometimes when youre the one not able to pick out the main points in a conversation. it would help so much if she could be blunt and tell me straight out or if i were better at finding the right points instead of pulling the unimportant ones out. silence is a killer. makes you wonder whats going on in the other person's head. and feels as if every second that passes by is time wasted when we could be talking and laughing. lifes not like that...eh maybe its one of those times where its one of those bad times in a relationship... never know. still cant do or say anything. why is school ending so soon, why does it feel as if im drifting away, when im trying to pull the floating ice together. no matter what i do, i end up freezing not knowing what to say. my words feel used and everytime i repeat them it feels less significant each time i use them. iono im probably just typing in circles. being yelled at by her friend who lives a couple hundered miles away doesnt help much either. where are my powers to stop time when i need them.. :/ . i love you and i never wanna lose you. maybe the power to understand the main points would save me more at a time like this. gahh sound kinda emo dont know why.
kinda feel like crying...eh its not like ive done it before. wow terry...that didnt help at all -.- anyways... next year...it has its pros and cons thought i was ready for it. then something like this hits me and it makes me want to become a freshman all over again. communication is the key..so how come its taking me so frickin long for me to talk to my own girlfriend. gahh something in my mind keeps telling me that she needs some coold down time, yet at the same time i should be talking to her trying to flush out the doubts and bitterness. but everytime i try, i get pushed away. im not making any sense right now so if youre reading this im sorry. today i guess it was another mistake, i shoulda went to get my tux tomorrow, but instead i went with ghemie today. came home and got my ass yelled off by someone whom ive nver met with face to face. eh ill put learning uke off until another day, on the other hand its one day lost. anyways, i could never really tell her face to face or explain this to her without sounding like an idiot but eh trying. theres less than 3 weeks of school. i dont know where to start, friends and girlfriend is definitely a hard decision which i dont want to make. is it true that if you dont pick your girlfriend over your friend that youre not ready to settle? is it true that you have to leave them behind? truth is i cant really leave anyone behind. does this mean im not ready to have a signifiacant other? am i misinterpreting this in the wrong way? omg stupid milly... why am i thinking about this. anyways back to the main point. she needs her needs, i cant always have what i want. i gotta organize myself more. gahh just a jumbled up mess.